Bike Links

Sunday morning I did my usual singlespeed ride at South Mountain while Julie and Holly went to church. I know it must sound boring to ride the same old trail on the same bike over and over but I just love it and this trail is just about perfect for singlespeed riding. I guess it's like ice cream - if you really love it, you could eat it every single day and never get bored of it. This ride was particularly enjoyable for reasons you will not believe. I know it sounds like I make this stuff up, but I swear every word is true. You just can't make up shit as good as this. I need to start bringing my camera with me.

It had rained Friday and Saturday and the trails around here are mostly very hard packed grit, sand, rock, whatever. So the water just soaks in and makes the trail super fast. It also makes the top of the soil very "grippy". I swear it was almost like Velcro the traction was so good. I was taking more speed into corners and really leaning over way farther than usual. It was just an amazing feeling. Like being glued to the soil but rolling like crazy. Of course I know the trail like the back of my hand, coupled with a bike that weighs almost nothing, no gears to think about, and superb traction. Just like riding on Velcro.

I was approaching a popular rest stop near a big water tank (John will know where it is). As I climb up the little grade to the stopping area two geared riders come towards me and pass. I notice a third rider still at the rest area. Somehow I am able to discern that it is a female rider. Just call me observant. I wasn't sure if she was with the guys that just left or not.

Now this is where it starts to get good - I approach the stopping area and she is hunched over her bars facing straight at me, no doubt unaware of the magnificent cleavage shot being offered. We make the usual small talk - "How ya doing" … "Nice day" … "Nice tits" - NO, I didn’t really say THAT but I sure was thinking it. Actually I took my sun glasses off to check if they were mirrored or not. Didn’t want to get busted oogling with see-thru glasses. They were mirrored - good! After a moment or two, she turned her bike around 180 degrees and lined up facing down the trail in the same direction I was going. Due to the angle she was originally facing me (or maybe because I was mesmerized by her breasts) I failed to notice until now that her back-end was equally as attractive (God bless they person that invented Lycra). Anyway her cute little butt takes off down the trail. Oh yeah, she was riding one of those Gary Fisher woman specific frames - not that THAT mattered in the least. Actually I'm not sure how I even noticed.

So, of course I do what any warm blooded male would do. I give her about 60 seconds head start and then take off in hot pursuit like a horny beagle chasing a poodle in heat. Traction better than ever, cranks churning up a storm and then BAM - I caught up to her in no time at all!. Shit, that was way too easy. What about the thrill of the chase and all that stuff. Well, although I approached her like a runaway train, I certainly had no intention of passing her with out at least a few minutes of rearview pleasure.

Hearing me behind her, with out turning to look she says, "Do you want to pass"?
"No, that's OK. I'm fine". Grinning from ear to ear.
She turns and glances at me and sees that I'm the same guy from the rest stop. We make a little small talk. "Great morning" … "Trail is perfect today" … "Nice ass" - NO of course I didn't say THAT. But I'm dreaming up a storm! We ride on for a few minutes and the trail widens into double track, a logical passing zone. She says to me again, "Do you want to pass yet"?

"No, I'm actually doing fine back here". I'm thinking to myself - Yeah, I'm doing a hell of a lot better than you could ever imaging. But then after a few moments of silence she glances back and drops the bombshell. "You're looking at my ass, aren’t you".

SLAM. Caught red handed. I couldn’t tell from her voice if she was pissed or just playing coy with me. What the hell was I gonna say? Should I just do the natural guy thing and lie? - "No, actually I was just admiring your triple cross radial laced Bontrager wheel". Well, of course I was checking out her ass, but should I admit it? Being my usual non-committal self, I stammered out something like, "Well, I might have glanced at it once or twice". Jesus, what a lot of bullshit. Now she knows I'm not only a hound-dog, but I'm also a liar. But I was totally shocked when after what seemed like an eternity she replied, "Well, thanks for noticing".

Thanks for noticing! What kind of a response is that? What do I say now? "You're welcome?" … "No big deal, I check out ALL the girls I see on the trail?" Give me a break - I'm not trained for moments like this! Well, fortunately she took the burden off my shoulders and boldly commented, "Just to let you know, I have a GIRLFRIEND".

WHAT? A GIRLFRIEND? Oh my freaking God. What kind of opening line was this? By this time I had enough adrenaline pumping through my body that I could have ridden my singlespeed up God damn Mt. Everest. Why would she say this? What was she trying to tell me? The truth is that in her mind I'm sure she is a Lesbian and tells me this in hopes that I'll just ride off and leave her alone. But in MY mind I'm thinking, "Hmmm … cute chicks usually have cute girlfriends and what she's probably trying to tell me is that she and her friend are Bi-sexual and they want to have a three-way with me." Am I just sick or what? - but I guarantee you that any other guy would have thought of exactly the same thing.

Now, it was Sunday morning and fortunately at this point Devine Intervention reared it's ugly (but welcome) head before things got out of hand. Out of nowhere I suddenly had visions of my wife and daughter sitting in church at this very moment - coupled with visions of the Hindenberg crashing, the Titanic sinking, and the shuttle Challenger exploding. The next major catastrophy would be ME. So I say to (shit - I don’t know her name!), "Well, maybe I will just pass by you right here if you don't mind."

And with that I pull around to the side of her and started to pass. As I moved by her she said "Hey, nice bike". Wait - Did she say Bike or Butt ? No, I'm sure she said Bike. All I could do was reply, "Well, thanks for noticing". As I now rode away from her, I started to wonder if her Girlfriend also rides ???

Dave (December 2002)

- Note -

The photos in this story are for illustration purposes only. This is not the actual girl I met on the trail. Nor is it her girlfriend. But it gives you the general idea. Dream on. Actually these photos are of Paola Pezzo, 2 time Olympic and World gold medalist. As if you didn't know.

You can check out more about Paola here at her website.