Labor Day Weekend.  Still hot as the blazes in AZ, so I spent this past 3 day weekend doing early morning rides.  Actually this was the first time I actually have ridden 3 days in a row for awhile – remember, summer is the off-season in AZ (you can actually golf for less than $100).  I also wanted to try out my new Gary Fisher Singlespeed. 


 
So yesterday morning I was tooling along the Dessert Classic trail (a perfect SS trail, I might add) and my mind was just wandering.  Unfortunately one of the things it kept wandering to was work.  You may be aware that I have had a very successful career moving myself into a position which now requires me to spend my entire day shuffling papers, answering emails, and making up Powerpoint slides which for the most part are half-truths or downright lies.  The name of the game is how much you can exaggerate without getting caught.  Anyway, you may not be aware that earlier in my corporate existence I was actually an engineer and even have a university degree in applied mathematics.   Maybe it was heatstroke or something, but as I torqued along on the SS, I started to make some mathematical observations about my ride.  Specifically I noticed these trends: 

There were a hell of a lot more mountain bikers out there than I had seen in quite some time (like, since the temperature was only double digits).  I figured that it must be a combination of being a holiday weekend plus that fact that most of us have spent all summer on the couch or in the pool and the sight of our bloated bellies every time we look down at our feet is getting pretty depressing.  Or maybe people are starting to sense that the hot days of summer are behind us.  Afterall, on Saturday it was on 104 degrees, not the usual 106.

I actually saw more SS bikes on the trail than I ever have before.  On one 8 mile ride, I actually saw 4 other singlespeeders.  Two were singleator conversions, two were honest to goodness singlespeeds.   I figured that either i) SS is getting really popular around here (not likely), or that ii)  there is a link between people crazy enough to ride in this heat and people crazy enough to do it with only one gear (probably true).  Although there were quite some number of females on the trail, I still have not come upon that rarest of all breeds – the female singlespeeder.   I'm sure that if I ever do see one, my heart will surely skip a beat.  And given that fact that I'm 43 years old and two decades married, it will probably be my LAST beat.

As mentioned, there seemed to be an unusually large number of female riders out there this past weekend.  Like maybe 10% or so.  And they weren't just boyfriend tag-a-longs ("Whaaa, whaaa, whaaa – I want to go biking TOO!").  No, these were mostly honest to god buff biker babes.  Some riding solo, others in small groups (chick-packs).  I'm not sure why so many – maybe because of the holiday weekend, no need to worry about messing up your hairdo or breaking a nail.  Hell, some of them even had sweat stains!   It's amazing how you can be dragging your ass along the trail, just totally spent, and as soon as a group of biker babes approaches you somehow manage to suck in your gut and up your cadence significantly.  Hell, put a biker babe at the top of a climb and I guarantee I can clean almost anything – probably in my middle ring.

Anyway, I noticed in the distance a group of 5-6 riders and I thought, "How funny to see so many guys all with ponytails."  Well, as they approached it became obvious that this was no group of guys, but an honest to god chick-pack.  And not just any chick-pack.  This was obviously a work related outing for the waitresses at Hooters.  As I approached the top of a small gully (and they approached from the other side), I did the gentlemanly thing and pulled off the trail to let them have a clean shot at making the climb.  Well, um, actually I was being a total pervert and knew from my college education that two objects in motion will pass each other faster than if one of the objects was stationary.  So in a sheepishly concealed effort to maximize my viewing time, I stood and waited.  Believe it or not, it was then that my mind reverted back to my mathematics training.  

You see, to be a renowned mathematician you need to discover some formula or have some constant named after you.  Now out on the trail, with a chick-pack fast approaching and my eyes fixed on the obvious, I finally had my chance for fame and immortality.  I finally discovered the "O.V.A."  In layman's terms, this is the Optimum Viewing Angle.  Thanks to the data collected from the 6 Hooters biker babes, I was able to deduce that the O.V.A. was maximized at an inclination of 6 degrees and a distance of 8 feet.  If these conditions can be stringently met, it will provide for the maximum assessment of the contents of an approaching Sports-Bra.  That's right folks, and don't go calling me a pervert – you know that you would have done exactly the same thing!  And do you really think it is an accident that Oakleys have mirrored lenses?  Back to the O.V.A. – I admit a sampling of 6 data points is not conclusive and I would have gladly stayed for more, but my TDW (two decade wife) was probably already wondering where the hell I was.  But I did notice two very important variables associated with the O.V.A.  First, the O.V.A. is negatively effected if the approaching rider has riser handlebars.  Drop bars should be mandatory for all female riders.  Secondly, the negative effect of riser bars can be easily nullified if the approaching rider has breast implants (God, you can hardly tell the difference these days).  Speaking of implants -  one last thought here.  Do you REALLY think it is just a coincidence that your basic boob job costs about the same as a top of the line mountain bike?  I can hear the conversation now:

Wife:  "Honny, when I'm with my friends I feel 'inadequate'.  I think I need implants.  They only cost $4000."
Husband:  "I love you just the way you are.  But now that you mention it, I also feel 'inaqdequate' when I'm riding with my friends.  I think I need a new mountain bike.  It only costs $4000."
Wife:  "Let's compromise.  You buy a $2000 mountain bike and I'll get one breast enlarged."
Husband:  "Sounds great to me"   

Dave (September)